Dating: A Rite of Passage

I don’t consider myself a professional when it comes to dating. I don’t have cute tips to catch that guy’s eye or sweep that girl off her feet, but I recognize the value of dating. I also recognize that some people avoid dating because it is formidable and scary. There is fear of rejection, or worse: commitment! (gasp). It might be a source of disappointment, a continuous series of dead ends and a never-ending reminder that no decent person in the entire world will ever love me… Or something like that.

This post is for those who are skeptical about dating and are very particular about how dating should be, and it is to remind those who have become jaded by the whole experience that there is value in their “failures.” I hope it sheds light on dating: a true rite of passage into adulthood. Here are some reasons why you should consider dating as an important part of growing up:

1.      It Forces You to be Brave
Brave: when you do something even though it’s scary.
Smiling confidently on the outside (freaking out on the inside), starting that conversation, asking for that number--scary. It makes you vulnerable, exposed. However, those who initiate interest are brave. Those who welcome that interest are brave. If you’ve done these things, know that you are brave. If you haven’t done these things, it’s never too late to be brave! ;)

2.       It Forces You to Make Mistakes
There’s a reason dating is brave. It results in… oh no… it can’t be!... MISTAKES. This is for all of you perfectionists out there. All of you who prefer to only date Mr./Mrs. Right are afraid to date Mr./Mrs. Wrong. Am I right?? As many of you experienced daters know, someone who seems Right may be Wrong, and someone who seems Wrong may be Right. Of course, keep your realistic standards, but finding a good match is a process, and you will very likely make some mistakes along the way. Make mistakes: cry, cry some more, doubt the world, forgive yourself and Mr./Mrs. Wrong, then move on.

3.       It Teaches You NOT to Read into People
A lot of people who are not yet familiar with dating relationships are sensitive to the smallest gesture, smile, compliment…etc. to the point sincere kindness can be misconstrued as romantic interest. I like to call this stage the Pride and Prejudice stage. We all start as Darcys falling for the Elizabeths—shy treasures attracted to the confident gems. But as many know, Darcy was way off with Elizabeth in the beginning. But hey! He eventually figured it out and got the girl, and you can too! (Or not…no promises.)

4.       It Will Break You (when it doesn’t work)
Unless you are one of the lucky few who married their first loves and stayed together forever, it is very possible that once you get into a relationship, you will have to break up, get let down, get left for someone else, get divorced, or get thrown into a volcano… Or something like that. Dust off that magma, take some time to recuperate, throw darts at the world, and one day you will be strong enough again. Some (especially you concerned fathers for your daughters) think a broken heart is the worst thing in the world. It’s not fun, I hate it, yea maybe it IS the worst thing in the world, but it’s part of life. We might just have to accept that. Rejection stinks. That’s okay. Just accept it so you can move on.

5.     It Teaches You People Change Their Minds (and that’s okay)
Fear of commitment may just mean you’re afraid that if you say “yes,” it means you will never be allowed to say “no” after that, and that you expect others who show you interest to never change their minds. This is unrealistic and unfair to expect of someone, especially a person you are still getting to know. Maybe you were attracted to someone in the beginning, but after getting to know them, you may realize they aren’t the best match for you. Some people figure this out near the beginning of a relationship, and some might take years. The better you know yourself, what you want, what the other person can give, and what you can give to the other person’s needs, the easier it is to figure this out. Don’t take this loss of interest personally. If anything, take it as a compliment that you aren’t being led on or exploited for shallow reasons like a boost to the ego.

I hope these points shed light on the valuable side of dating. Of course, everything mentioned is for dating in general. Dating is a complex ritual of our Western culture, and there are subcultures of dating practices, and there are many more things that can be said about dating. On the whole; however, when done responsibly, dating should be fun and carefree, especially in the beginning. Keep your expectations low, but your hopes high. Don’t take it too seriously because the truth is, dating is unpredictable with many twists and turns, and it takes some time to learn. And you’ll learn. J

Mind & Heart (Part 2): When the Heart is Wrong

neladunato.com

In the previous post, I talked about how the mind should protect the heart from doubts. This is important during times that require us to believe in ourselves or when we need faith in situations that seem bleak. It is easy for the mind to embrace the doubts that cripple the heart, and this often leads to self-defeat before we ever had a chance to succeed.

That being said, there are times when the heart is wrong.

Many times our mind knows the truth whereas our heart may believe something entirely different. When the heart is right, it is up to the mind to change. Unfortunately, when the heart is wrong, changing can be a much bigger task than changing the mind.

I was talking to someone about how important our feelings are. Her response to feelings is usually that she does not trust them because she knows they are not reliable and sometimes irrational. Usually our irrational feelings are tied to insecurity—feelings of low self-worth like when someone forgets to say, “Happy birthday,” or feelings of self-hatred when you make a small mistake like drop your keys when you’re rushing out the door. These intense feelings do not match the reality of the situation, and our mind looks at the heart and says, “This situation does not warrant these feelings.”

What do we do when we have irrational feelings that do not line up with our common sense? Ignore them? Wallow? Shove them in a box? One thing is for certain, the feelings of our heart can be as easy to control as a two-year-old toddler throwing a tantrum over a candy bar at the mini-mart. Control is only a temporary fix anyway as we still have the problem of chronic, irrational feelings.

The first thing we can do is learn how to treat our heart with respect. Do not ignore these feelings that well up inside of us. I once told a friend, “I see feelings as a temperature gauge. They tell me when I need to examine my heart.” When my heart is peaceful, my sense of security is high. When my heart is anxious and hostile, my sense of security has been threatened. Usually when this happens, it is related to my self-worth: fear of failure, fear of not being good enough…etc. The important thing to remember is that the heart can believe the truth, but it can also believe lies.

When our heart believes a lie: This is when we start to have irrational feelings that lead to irrational actions. If I believe the lie that I’m not worth loving, then I will reject the love others give me. If I believe the lie that I am worthless, then I will not strive to amount to anything beyond a mediocre performance—or I will become an overachiever who will never be satisfied. Whether we want to admit it or not, we believe lies. Some of them we don’t even realize we believe because we have ignored the heart for so long.

How to find the lies: This is where the mind comes in. Imagine the heart as a jigsaw puzzle that has been dumped on the floor. It will take time and patience to sort out the pieces and think back on our experiences and history of behavior and patterns of emotions. When did I start having anger towards my father? When did I start resenting my wife? When did I first experience these type of emotions? You may have to travel far back in time to get to the root of when these irrational feelings started, back to simple moments as a child when understanding things was difficult and self-worth and confidence were small and vulnerable.

How to believe the truth: Once we find the root of our lies, our minds must present the truth to the heart. Ideally, the heart will relinquish the lie and latch onto the truth, repairing its belief system. There are different ways to do this. As a Christian, I often pray to God about clarity, but the truth can be presented many ways in life, in movies, in books and TV shows, through wise friends, kind strangers, anything that reminds us of what is true. The trick is not to ignore our hearts, but rather give it the attention it needs to learn and mature, and after a while that two-year-old toddler begins to grow up so that when the next crisis comes, we aren’t rolling on the floor flailing and crying and cursing the store clerks for taking away our candy bar.

Mind & Heart (Part 1): The Power Couple

Minds, protect your Hearts. 

Have you ever found yourself conflicted? Part of you wants something, while another part wants something else? That’s because we are complex beings with more than just one single force of thought. We have two complementary ways of making decisions and processing life: the mind and the heart.

The mind is rational, intelligent, observant and careful.

The heart is passionate, sensing, intuitive and daring.

These two forces often oppose each other when what they should be doing is protecting each other.

When the mind fights the heart: You know deep down, despite logic, something is true, but looking at the situation from a rational stance threatens any peace. Normally the mind will bully the heart to forsake this unwarranted belief despite these sincere convictions. What ends up happening is the heart gets sick as it is forced to go against its innate beliefs. 

The mind may not be willing to take the risk whether it be to protect its pride in case of failure (as our mind leans towards intelligence and failing is not typically considered an intelligent thing to do) or whether it be simply that the mind discounts the worth of the heart.

When the mind protects the heart: Oftentimes when the heart believes something, doubts come to the surface. These natural doubts that cross our paths are attractive to the mind because doubts are rational and appease our common sense. The problem with this: doubts may be rational, but they are not necessarily the whole picture, and for the most part, should never be the driving force for decisions in our lives. For example, a person may be struggling to get by and wants to go back to school. He or she may hear the doubts of his or her peers such as, “You don’t have the money or the time. You’ll never make it through.” These doubts may be logical, but are they ultimately true? Maybe, maybe not. 

The mind does not fear doubts because doubts appease us to play things safe, and playing it safe typically protects us from failure--something the mind prefers not to experience. On the other hand, doubts cause fear in our hearts because a heart works best in an environment of hope, and as we know, doubt is the opposite of hope.

So how can the mind protect the heart? This is where being rational is helpful. Unhindered by emotion, the mind can step in and throw down doubts with its own reason: “Maybe I don’t have money, and maybe I don’t have a lot of time, but I know I have options. I can get financial assistance, and I can manage my time better. Others have done this, and so can I.” Even more inspiring, our minds that are typically wired to protect us from failure can rationalize this fear as well: “Maybe I will fail, but that does not mean I can’t try again. Maybe I’m not good enough now, but that does not mean I can’t get better.” This is the relationship the mind ought to have with the heart as the mind wards of negativity while the heart has freedom to flourish with hope and optimism.

Of course, there are times when the heart may not be reliable as the leader in our life decisions, but that is another topic to be discussed in Part 2.

Growly: Part 1

Below is a children's story about grown-up heartaches. This IS a serious post. Growly is Part 1 of 3.

Photo Cred: Daniele Manta

Growly was a big lion. He was the biggest of his pride and all the other lions followed him, especially when they hunted. One day while Growly was on his hunt, he met a lamb drinking at a pond.

“Please don’t eat me!” The lamb said as Growly walked up to him.

Growly was so hungry, and the lamb was so weak and small. “Why?” said Growly. “You are food, and I am supposed to eat you. That’s how God made me.”

“Yes, but it’s wrong! We are your friends. God wants you to love your friends and not eat them.”

Growly shook his mane and grunted. “But I’m still hungry.”

“Let’s do a trade, then.” The lamb said, “Eat the fish in this pond. It will fill your hunger, and I will be your friend.”

Growly thought about the trade and agreed. “Okay. You can be my friend for three days, and I will eat the fish at this pond. If I like being your friend after three days, then I will let you go.”   

So Growly spent three days talking with the lamb. They talked about small things like how the sky turned milky red at sunset. They laughed at the critters in the trees that bumped into each other as they hopped around. Growly told the lamb about other things like the pain that was deeper than hunger. It kept Growly awake on cold nights and made him want to hunt more the next day.

“That’s because you don’t have love,” the lamb said. “When you don’t love, your heart doesn’t know what to do, so it does other things.”

After three days, Growly realized he was going to miss the lamb. “Please stay!” 

He said. “I can eat the fish. Just be my friend.”

The lamb said, “I will always be your friend, but I have a shepherd. He’s looking for me, and I need to go back home.”

Growly growled loud and angry. “You’re leaving because you aren’t my friend! 

Don’t hate me now!”

The lamb was not afraid. He said, “Growly, you wanted me to fill the hunger in your belly, but I have filled the hunger in your heart. I am your friend, and I will always love you.”

Growly stopped growling. He was sad, but he wasn’t angry anymore. “I love you, too, Lamb.” And he let the lamb go.

 

How to Find Your Life Mate: Because it Takes Awesome to Find Awesome

Stan: I know many good men and women who are at an age where they want to start a relationship, especially one that leads to marriage, but they don’t know how to meet people. What are some good ideas they can do to meet that special someone?

Good question, Stan.

If you’re the type of person who saves orphaned puppies, re-posts thought-provoking memes, or prepares elaborate meals of obscure ethnic origins, you are awesome. If you spend hours playing World of Warcraft with someone else's grandmother or volunteer at the local Walmart, you are awesome. If you like to sing, write, dance, watch TV, listen to music, play music, sleep….etc. you are awesome. However, being awesome is not enough to find that special someone. It takes awesome to find awesome.

Below is a list of places you can go to search for awesome people like yourself because let’s be honest, chances are not great that you’re going to find the love of your life at your niece’s birthday party or the McDonald’s drive-thru. Just because you frequently spend time at the gas station does not mean you are destined to meet your match while pumping fuel into your 2003 Toyota that probably needs a bath, a vacuuming and some air fresheners. Check this list out, take that first step, and talk to strangers!

THE PRE-TECHNOLOGY METHOD

For those of you who still refuse to join the masses on Facebook, loathe texting and always hang up your phone as soon as you hear someone’s voicemail, you will benefit most by taking the pre-technology method. Search for your matches at these three places…

1.     The Park

Necessary items: Paper and pen (for writing your number or e-mail)

A dog (for providing a topic of conversation with that cute guy/gal)

Wallet with cash (for giving money to the local inhabitants)

Suggested conversation starter: My dog likes your ankles. Do you mind if she sniffs them?

2.     The Library

Necessary items: A bookmark and pen (for writing your number or e-mail)

library card (for "accidentally" dropping on the ground)

                       A hamster in a cage (because who wouldn’t talk to you when you’re holding that?)

Suggested conversation starter: Do you like “Choose Your Own Adventure” books? You do? Okay, then do you “A” ask me to coffee, “B” ask me to dinner, or “C” do both and then take me to a movie?

3.     Club/Bar/Lounge

Necessary Items: Napkin and Pen (for writing your number or e-mail)

Driver’s License (for comparing awkward DMV photos)

A wingman (because four eyes are better than two)

Suggested conversation starter: Where’s the bathroom?

THE ONLINE METHOD

For those of you hooked on WiFi like a patient hooked up to an IV, the online method is perhaps the best way to go. Maybe you enjoy expressing yourself with a vocabulary impossible for spontaneous speech, or talking and making eye contact requires too much energy and breath. If you would rather read than listen, prefer emoticons to facial expressions, or simply type faster than you speak, try these three social dating sites.

4.     eHarmony: Sounds a bit like “eat our money.” Costs a little, but you get to talk to strangers!

5.     LinkedIN: It’s like eHarmony, but for career oriented people. Good for like-minded workaholics. Update that work history, like all those “causes,” and fill up on “skills,” then the website suggests new connections based on similarities! It’s a free digital matchmaker.

6.     Facebook: Great for stalking, but really it’s for people who are face-to-face and phone-phobic. Best strategy is to set up an event and invite all your potential matches. Take care to comb over personal information, interests and hobbies before making an invite list.

Suggested conversation starter: LOL. Who knows how to do Tweeter?

THE PLACES OF FAITH METHOD

For those of you who are set on marrying a person of the same faith and are convinced it’s IMPOSSIBLE to find a good match outside of spiritual gatherings, this method is for you.

7.     Young Adults Group: Also known as a mixer for single people who aren’t married yet but aren’t supposed to act interested in finding a life mate because that would look desperate, and you shouldn’t show too much interest while searching for someone to love for the rest of your life, otherwise it might distract you from your spiritual journey...right?

8.     Mission Trips: A lot of people find their life mate on mission trips because that’s pretty much the only time you have a chance to get to know someone in a church setting, but you can’t act like you like each other until after the trip otherwise it takes away spirituality points.

9.     The Leadership Team: It’s the cream of the crop, the most well-balanced, spiritually stable people you’ll ever meet, but also the most unattainable. Unless your first name is “Mary” and last name is “Me,” your chances of matching up with someone from the “Core Group” are pretty small, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

Suggested conversation starter: Look into my eyes for two minutes, and I’ll pray God gives me a “word” for you.

In conclusion, there are many places to look for that special someone. There’s really no excuse NOT to go out and find them. Just remember, finding an awesome person is just step one, talking to him/her is still required…another topic for another day.

Stan—If all else fails, pay a matchmaker to pair you up and hope for the best.

MYZICA Review: Something Cool for a Hot Summer

photo by Andrea Behrends

Stan: “What’s a good album I should get for the summer season?”

Good question, Stan. First of all, most people love summer, but I am not most people. There is sweltering heat, out-of-town traffic, children running free on the sidewalk, people wearing thin layers of clothing that do nothing to hide bad hygiene, and it's the end of hot coffee season as we know it. 

Therefore, I turn to MYZICA, the brand new pop duo based out of Nashville, to save my summer.

What do I do when I’m stuck in traffic on my way to work and all my friends are partying at the beach? I turn on “Ready or Not?”—the first single released in December 2014 from MYZICA’s upcoming EP available later this summer. My freezer burned Scrooge-heart starts to thaw and pick up pulse, and I’m compelled to shed my winter coat. 

If I’m standing in line the shape of a pretzel waiting for my daily dose of caffeine, I play “Wait Just a Minute.”

Isaaca Byrd’s energetic voice gives me an extra boost that no double shot will, and I don’t mind so much waiting just thirty minutes for that iced latte. Pay attention to the production quality by Micah Tawlks of Peptalk Studio. At first glance the composition is carefree and fun, but there’s more. From the plucking baseline to the upbeat drums, the song pulls you into a good mood, like a friend trying to get you to dance. 

“Believer,” a contemplative ballad and my favorite song on the EP, starts out with Byrd and gradually adds layers of back-up vocals, each with their own unique part to play. A choir joins her, adding depth and emotion.

“The song is about someone who lost faith in love but meets someone new and there's hope again.”—Micah Tawlks.

I may have lost faith in a season known for sunburns and missing sunglasses, but where there is good music, there is good times, and let MYZICA share in those good times.

Now for some reason, I have this desire to take a group of friends to the drive-in movie theater and watch the latest Keanu Reeves romantic comedy. 

Stan’s Review: A great EP for the summer. Looking forward to more music for more seasons.

Nicholas Sparks is a Better Writer than Jane Austen: A Serious Review

by Krysta Tawlks

In a world full of breakups and divorces, dead ends and gluten intolerances, we really need something to cling to…hope. Nicholas Sparks gives us hope that out there, we’re going to find a manly man, good at outdoors things with the ability to grow a full beard. He has a chiseled chin and abs that turn pancakes into waffles. Two people of modest backgrounds and fantastic figures, dreams and hopes, insecurities and flaws, meet and spark. Sparks turn to flames, passion, kissing in the rain—the perfect ingredients for undying love to blossom.

As for Austen, we have a world of extravagance and elegance, and our dashing hero imbibes that world without flinching. He's not perfect, but he does have a perfect jawline, and the landscaping around his castle is well-kept by the most talented of Edward Scissorhands' apprentices. Austen gives us a task--fix that man, inspire him or woo him with our minds. The most famous of Austen's stories end in uniting unlikely couples against all odds--family disapproval, class differences, and scandal.

Both authors create a man who bestows his undying love on only one woman no matter the competition, time apart, or obstacles he faces. That's devotion, Stan. Loyalty. Sparks and Austen serve up a man with a wellspring of adoration for the beauty of his woman—body and mind.

However, there is a stark difference. While Austen ends her stories happily, Sparks is smarter than that. There is no such thing as a prince charming or a perfect world with a perfect ending. This is when Spark pulls the plug…and kills someone off in every one of his books. All those beautiful stories that he builds up larger than life are just dreams. Sparks knows this, his readers know this, and that’s why he aims his pen at the majestic unicorn of our romantic hopes and pierces it through the heart. Then, we watch those dreams flop on the lush grass and die a glorious death.

Austen does not have the nerve to shoot the dreams she creates, not even to maim it, but there's no way Darcy and Elizabeth's story ends happily. Not with Wickham's wickedness and Lady Catherine's big mouth. Sparks is clearly the better writer, presenting his beautiful story while having the maturity and presence of mind to share the moments Austen would shrink away from. He forces us to face the reality, that love can be sad, disappointing and short-lived. The death of our hopes is shocking, electrifying, and freeing as his reader knows the truth.

It’s just fiction.

Stan’s review—Jane Austen is way better than Nicholas Sparks.

Daredevil, Skittles and Jesus: A Serious Review

by Krysta Tawlks

April 17, 2015

If you have been described as happiness in a bottle, a bundle of joy, or eternally optimistic, then you should watch this show.

Why? Only a person unwaveringly upbeat and impervious to depression can watch this show without succumbing to dread, anxiety, or scary dreams.

Daredevil, or Dared(evil) as I like to say, is an original Netflix show that starts out dark literally and figuratively. Even daytime scenes look like you’re watching everything through sunglasses. The brooding lead actor—that British guy from Stardust—speaks in a calm voice about the devilish deeds he will commit. I did not know the devil was a Catholic. I sense a joke at the expense of the Catholic Church on the tip of my tongue…No, it’s gone. I lost it.

Our introduction to the main character is promising. Matt Murdock has a cute smile and visual impairment never looked so good. His assistant, Foggy, eked out a couple laughs.

You’ll see blood splatters, stalking, murdering, sharp objects in combat, blunt objects in combat, maniacal speeches…and that’s all from the good guys. Then, the bad guys have their turn. Avert your eyes! No, I’m eating pizza!

Isn’t this a superhero show? It’s nothing you haven’t seen before on TV, but for Marvel…yes, maybe it is the first time.

If you think Foggy, a character meant to lighten the mood, is going to help you through this, you’re wrong. He’s funny, but it’s like a cute little sister braiding your hair while you watch the Passion of the Christ. It doesn’t match and it feels weird.

For anyone with a tendency for brooding or pitiful sighing, I suggest balancing your viewing with some brightly colored foods like Skittles or a donut with sprinkles to help cheer you up…or holding a kitten is also a good idea.



Rating: 4.5/5 stars--For those who can handle darker themes and appreciate deeper characterization. A compelling look at the line between good and evil, and the necessary and/or questionable lengths a hero must go to make something good. Not for children.