Mind & Heart (Part 2): When the Heart is Wrong

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In the previous post, I talked about how the mind should protect the heart from doubts. This is important during times that require us to believe in ourselves or when we need faith in situations that seem bleak. It is easy for the mind to embrace the doubts that cripple the heart, and this often leads to self-defeat before we ever had a chance to succeed.

That being said, there are times when the heart is wrong.

Many times our mind knows the truth whereas our heart may believe something entirely different. When the heart is right, it is up to the mind to change. Unfortunately, when the heart is wrong, changing can be a much bigger task than changing the mind.

I was talking to someone about how important our feelings are. Her response to feelings is usually that she does not trust them because she knows they are not reliable and sometimes irrational. Usually our irrational feelings are tied to insecurity—feelings of low self-worth like when someone forgets to say, “Happy birthday,” or feelings of self-hatred when you make a small mistake like drop your keys when you’re rushing out the door. These intense feelings do not match the reality of the situation, and our mind looks at the heart and says, “This situation does not warrant these feelings.”

What do we do when we have irrational feelings that do not line up with our common sense? Ignore them? Wallow? Shove them in a box? One thing is for certain, the feelings of our heart can be as easy to control as a two-year-old toddler throwing a tantrum over a candy bar at the mini-mart. Control is only a temporary fix anyway as we still have the problem of chronic, irrational feelings.

The first thing we can do is learn how to treat our heart with respect. Do not ignore these feelings that well up inside of us. I once told a friend, “I see feelings as a temperature gauge. They tell me when I need to examine my heart.” When my heart is peaceful, my sense of security is high. When my heart is anxious and hostile, my sense of security has been threatened. Usually when this happens, it is related to my self-worth: fear of failure, fear of not being good enough…etc. The important thing to remember is that the heart can believe the truth, but it can also believe lies.

When our heart believes a lie: This is when we start to have irrational feelings that lead to irrational actions. If I believe the lie that I’m not worth loving, then I will reject the love others give me. If I believe the lie that I am worthless, then I will not strive to amount to anything beyond a mediocre performance—or I will become an overachiever who will never be satisfied. Whether we want to admit it or not, we believe lies. Some of them we don’t even realize we believe because we have ignored the heart for so long.

How to find the lies: This is where the mind comes in. Imagine the heart as a jigsaw puzzle that has been dumped on the floor. It will take time and patience to sort out the pieces and think back on our experiences and history of behavior and patterns of emotions. When did I start having anger towards my father? When did I start resenting my wife? When did I first experience these type of emotions? You may have to travel far back in time to get to the root of when these irrational feelings started, back to simple moments as a child when understanding things was difficult and self-worth and confidence were small and vulnerable.

How to believe the truth: Once we find the root of our lies, our minds must present the truth to the heart. Ideally, the heart will relinquish the lie and latch onto the truth, repairing its belief system. There are different ways to do this. As a Christian, I often pray to God about clarity, but the truth can be presented many ways in life, in movies, in books and TV shows, through wise friends, kind strangers, anything that reminds us of what is true. The trick is not to ignore our hearts, but rather give it the attention it needs to learn and mature, and after a while that two-year-old toddler begins to grow up so that when the next crisis comes, we aren’t rolling on the floor flailing and crying and cursing the store clerks for taking away our candy bar.

Mind & Heart (Part 1): The Power Couple

Minds, protect your Hearts. 

Have you ever found yourself conflicted? Part of you wants something, while another part wants something else? That’s because we are complex beings with more than just one single force of thought. We have two complementary ways of making decisions and processing life: the mind and the heart.

The mind is rational, intelligent, observant and careful.

The heart is passionate, sensing, intuitive and daring.

These two forces often oppose each other when what they should be doing is protecting each other.

When the mind fights the heart: You know deep down, despite logic, something is true, but looking at the situation from a rational stance threatens any peace. Normally the mind will bully the heart to forsake this unwarranted belief despite these sincere convictions. What ends up happening is the heart gets sick as it is forced to go against its innate beliefs. 

The mind may not be willing to take the risk whether it be to protect its pride in case of failure (as our mind leans towards intelligence and failing is not typically considered an intelligent thing to do) or whether it be simply that the mind discounts the worth of the heart.

When the mind protects the heart: Oftentimes when the heart believes something, doubts come to the surface. These natural doubts that cross our paths are attractive to the mind because doubts are rational and appease our common sense. The problem with this: doubts may be rational, but they are not necessarily the whole picture, and for the most part, should never be the driving force for decisions in our lives. For example, a person may be struggling to get by and wants to go back to school. He or she may hear the doubts of his or her peers such as, “You don’t have the money or the time. You’ll never make it through.” These doubts may be logical, but are they ultimately true? Maybe, maybe not. 

The mind does not fear doubts because doubts appease us to play things safe, and playing it safe typically protects us from failure--something the mind prefers not to experience. On the other hand, doubts cause fear in our hearts because a heart works best in an environment of hope, and as we know, doubt is the opposite of hope.

So how can the mind protect the heart? This is where being rational is helpful. Unhindered by emotion, the mind can step in and throw down doubts with its own reason: “Maybe I don’t have money, and maybe I don’t have a lot of time, but I know I have options. I can get financial assistance, and I can manage my time better. Others have done this, and so can I.” Even more inspiring, our minds that are typically wired to protect us from failure can rationalize this fear as well: “Maybe I will fail, but that does not mean I can’t try again. Maybe I’m not good enough now, but that does not mean I can’t get better.” This is the relationship the mind ought to have with the heart as the mind wards of negativity while the heart has freedom to flourish with hope and optimism.

Of course, there are times when the heart may not be reliable as the leader in our life decisions, but that is another topic to be discussed in Part 2.