Dating: A Rite of Passage

I don’t consider myself a professional when it comes to dating. I don’t have cute tips to catch that guy’s eye or sweep that girl off her feet, but I recognize the value of dating. I also recognize that some people avoid dating because it is formidable and scary. There is fear of rejection, or worse: commitment! (gasp). It might be a source of disappointment, a continuous series of dead ends and a never-ending reminder that no decent person in the entire world will ever love me… Or something like that.

This post is for those who are skeptical about dating and are very particular about how dating should be, and it is to remind those who have become jaded by the whole experience that there is value in their “failures.” I hope it sheds light on dating: a true rite of passage into adulthood. Here are some reasons why you should consider dating as an important part of growing up:

1.      It Forces You to be Brave
Brave: when you do something even though it’s scary.
Smiling confidently on the outside (freaking out on the inside), starting that conversation, asking for that number--scary. It makes you vulnerable, exposed. However, those who initiate interest are brave. Those who welcome that interest are brave. If you’ve done these things, know that you are brave. If you haven’t done these things, it’s never too late to be brave! ;)

2.       It Forces You to Make Mistakes
There’s a reason dating is brave. It results in… oh no… it can’t be!... MISTAKES. This is for all of you perfectionists out there. All of you who prefer to only date Mr./Mrs. Right are afraid to date Mr./Mrs. Wrong. Am I right?? As many of you experienced daters know, someone who seems Right may be Wrong, and someone who seems Wrong may be Right. Of course, keep your realistic standards, but finding a good match is a process, and you will very likely make some mistakes along the way. Make mistakes: cry, cry some more, doubt the world, forgive yourself and Mr./Mrs. Wrong, then move on.

3.       It Teaches You NOT to Read into People
A lot of people who are not yet familiar with dating relationships are sensitive to the smallest gesture, smile, compliment…etc. to the point sincere kindness can be misconstrued as romantic interest. I like to call this stage the Pride and Prejudice stage. We all start as Darcys falling for the Elizabeths—shy treasures attracted to the confident gems. But as many know, Darcy was way off with Elizabeth in the beginning. But hey! He eventually figured it out and got the girl, and you can too! (Or not…no promises.)

4.       It Will Break You (when it doesn’t work)
Unless you are one of the lucky few who married their first loves and stayed together forever, it is very possible that once you get into a relationship, you will have to break up, get let down, get left for someone else, get divorced, or get thrown into a volcano… Or something like that. Dust off that magma, take some time to recuperate, throw darts at the world, and one day you will be strong enough again. Some (especially you concerned fathers for your daughters) think a broken heart is the worst thing in the world. It’s not fun, I hate it, yea maybe it IS the worst thing in the world, but it’s part of life. We might just have to accept that. Rejection stinks. That’s okay. Just accept it so you can move on.

5.     It Teaches You People Change Their Minds (and that’s okay)
Fear of commitment may just mean you’re afraid that if you say “yes,” it means you will never be allowed to say “no” after that, and that you expect others who show you interest to never change their minds. This is unrealistic and unfair to expect of someone, especially a person you are still getting to know. Maybe you were attracted to someone in the beginning, but after getting to know them, you may realize they aren’t the best match for you. Some people figure this out near the beginning of a relationship, and some might take years. The better you know yourself, what you want, what the other person can give, and what you can give to the other person’s needs, the easier it is to figure this out. Don’t take this loss of interest personally. If anything, take it as a compliment that you aren’t being led on or exploited for shallow reasons like a boost to the ego.

I hope these points shed light on the valuable side of dating. Of course, everything mentioned is for dating in general. Dating is a complex ritual of our Western culture, and there are subcultures of dating practices, and there are many more things that can be said about dating. On the whole; however, when done responsibly, dating should be fun and carefree, especially in the beginning. Keep your expectations low, but your hopes high. Don’t take it too seriously because the truth is, dating is unpredictable with many twists and turns, and it takes some time to learn. And you’ll learn. J

Mind & Heart (Part 2): When the Heart is Wrong

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In the previous post, I talked about how the mind should protect the heart from doubts. This is important during times that require us to believe in ourselves or when we need faith in situations that seem bleak. It is easy for the mind to embrace the doubts that cripple the heart, and this often leads to self-defeat before we ever had a chance to succeed.

That being said, there are times when the heart is wrong.

Many times our mind knows the truth whereas our heart may believe something entirely different. When the heart is right, it is up to the mind to change. Unfortunately, when the heart is wrong, changing can be a much bigger task than changing the mind.

I was talking to someone about how important our feelings are. Her response to feelings is usually that she does not trust them because she knows they are not reliable and sometimes irrational. Usually our irrational feelings are tied to insecurity—feelings of low self-worth like when someone forgets to say, “Happy birthday,” or feelings of self-hatred when you make a small mistake like drop your keys when you’re rushing out the door. These intense feelings do not match the reality of the situation, and our mind looks at the heart and says, “This situation does not warrant these feelings.”

What do we do when we have irrational feelings that do not line up with our common sense? Ignore them? Wallow? Shove them in a box? One thing is for certain, the feelings of our heart can be as easy to control as a two-year-old toddler throwing a tantrum over a candy bar at the mini-mart. Control is only a temporary fix anyway as we still have the problem of chronic, irrational feelings.

The first thing we can do is learn how to treat our heart with respect. Do not ignore these feelings that well up inside of us. I once told a friend, “I see feelings as a temperature gauge. They tell me when I need to examine my heart.” When my heart is peaceful, my sense of security is high. When my heart is anxious and hostile, my sense of security has been threatened. Usually when this happens, it is related to my self-worth: fear of failure, fear of not being good enough…etc. The important thing to remember is that the heart can believe the truth, but it can also believe lies.

When our heart believes a lie: This is when we start to have irrational feelings that lead to irrational actions. If I believe the lie that I’m not worth loving, then I will reject the love others give me. If I believe the lie that I am worthless, then I will not strive to amount to anything beyond a mediocre performance—or I will become an overachiever who will never be satisfied. Whether we want to admit it or not, we believe lies. Some of them we don’t even realize we believe because we have ignored the heart for so long.

How to find the lies: This is where the mind comes in. Imagine the heart as a jigsaw puzzle that has been dumped on the floor. It will take time and patience to sort out the pieces and think back on our experiences and history of behavior and patterns of emotions. When did I start having anger towards my father? When did I start resenting my wife? When did I first experience these type of emotions? You may have to travel far back in time to get to the root of when these irrational feelings started, back to simple moments as a child when understanding things was difficult and self-worth and confidence were small and vulnerable.

How to believe the truth: Once we find the root of our lies, our minds must present the truth to the heart. Ideally, the heart will relinquish the lie and latch onto the truth, repairing its belief system. There are different ways to do this. As a Christian, I often pray to God about clarity, but the truth can be presented many ways in life, in movies, in books and TV shows, through wise friends, kind strangers, anything that reminds us of what is true. The trick is not to ignore our hearts, but rather give it the attention it needs to learn and mature, and after a while that two-year-old toddler begins to grow up so that when the next crisis comes, we aren’t rolling on the floor flailing and crying and cursing the store clerks for taking away our candy bar.