My Phone Found My Husband

Lately, a lot of people have been asking about how I met my husband, Micah. If you want to read the cute, very romantic story of how we met, you can read our story, Love at First Swipe, on The Knot. This post isn’t about that cute story. It’s about the awful, fun, weird and terrible steps leading up to meeting the love of my life.

I’m not one for long, indulgent introductions, so I’ll get to the point. Online dating is a skill that needs to be developed, not an instinct, and I think it helps to realize this as you step into the frustrating world of online dating.

Lies You Might Believe About Online Dating

1. It’s not romantic.

True, staring at an army of digital faces and matching (among others) with another profile is not romantic. But the first date can be very romantic thanks to those that made the effort.

2. You can’t make a real connection through an app.

That’s actually true, which is why I waited to meet in person before I decided if I was interested.

3. Only weirdos and stalkers use dating apps.

First of all, a little personality never hurt anyone. But in all seriousness, you do have to be smart about sharing information and where you meet these strangers. Ask a friend to help you decide if your potential first date has got Ted Bundy vibes or not. There are plenty of decent, non-serial killer people out there.

4. Only one-night stands use dating apps.

Not true for all people. I talked to a lot of guys looking for their special lady they can marry and have babies with.

5. Everyone will think I’m desperate for using a dating app.

Embrace it. You are trying to meet someone. There are always going to be people thinking you are weird. You aren’t weird, they are weird. Just remember that. Weirdness is in the eye of the beholder.

Online Dating Tips:

1. Share your process of online dating with friends to make it more enjoyable and help you stay grounded (especially all you picky girls!)

2. Make the first move (girls). If a guy has caught your eye but he has not contacted you, contact him and see what happens. Maybe he’ll respond, maybe he won’t, but at least you won’t have to wonder about it.

3. Be open to a date, but don’t fantasize or expect too much—not that fantasizing or expecting is a bad thing, it just becomes exhausting because a lot of times you will be disappointed with the outcome if your expectations are high. Keep your hopes and standards high, but don’t expect to start the beginning of the rest of your life with a well-crafted profile.

4. Be okay to say goodbye. If someone stops showing interest in you, asking for clarification is not always a bad thing – “Hey, I noticed you haven’t gotten back to me in a while. Just wanted to check in, are you still interested in getting to know each other?” – It’s not insecure, it’s communication. You are okay to end something as well if you are the one who isn’t interested. (This is mostly for the newer, tentative dating phase)

5. Enjoy the Mr./Mrs. Wrongs. I think it’s important to enjoy getting to know people even when you realize it won’t go anywhere. It requires you to treat people decently and lifts some of the pressure off both of your shoulders to be that perfect match.

6. Be yourself. This is obvious, but too many times I’ve started dating someone that liked our chemistry, so he tried to be who I wanted in order to keep me.

7. Know your deal-breakers, share them as soon as possible, and stick by them. I got good at bringing up deal breakers before going on a first date because it becomes soul crushing to meet people, build a connection, and then find out you can’t go anywhere with it. If you don’t do this, it becomes harder to stay true to what you really want and wait for someone who wants that with you.

8. Someone is going to like you. A lot of people assume they aren’t desirable or attractive, but that is just not true. Someone will find you, they will see you as a catch, and they will like you. A friend of mine used to work at a jewelry store. After observing various couples come in for a ring, she concluded, “There is a person for everyone.”

9. Take breaks. Dating can take a toll on our self-esteem and our hopes for the future. I took a break from dating for forty days (my church was doing a fast for Lent), and it lifted a lot of negative, worrisome thoughts that tended to shoot through my mind after every “Mr. Wrong.” A couple weeks later, energized and motivated again, I met my future husband.

10. Go on a date with someone who is not outright attractive in their photos but appears to share a lot of interests. I honestly did not think Micah was attractive based on his photos (to be fair, he was and still is not a fan of taking photos of himself).

I’ll give you an example from my husband’s Bumble page:

           

Figure 1 Most of his pictures he was far away and wearing sunglasses.           Figure 2: This was probably supposed to be the serious pic, with the green tabs! :D

Pictures were not bad, really. They were more real in fact, and he did not try to look like a model on a GQ magazine cover. Many of us use online profiles to post our best angles, but not all guys (or gals) care so much about looking like America’s Next Top Model.

That being said, if I had seen this photo on his profile...

Figure 3 Here is his GQ pose on our wedding day.

…Oh ya, baby! Same guy, but as you can see, I got lucky that this guy didn’t know how to post photos that showed off his David Beckham vibes!

Online Dating Websites

eHarmony – Costs money. Safer and more controlled. Promotional discounts make it worth a try. However, a lot of inactive profiles. Make sure you cancel your profile payments or eHarmony will automatically continue taking payments.

Christian Mingle – Free. Decent amount of profiles on this app, but many inactive. Some people have told me they met their spouse on this app.

Tinder –Free. Picture-focused profiles. Could not stay on longer than a day (too many creepy guys). Despite this, I’ve had people tell me they met their special someone on this app.

Plenty of Fish –Free. Settings were a little hard to figure out. Personally, I did not get a lot of bites.

Match.com – Costs money. People actively communicating. I went on a few dates and even reconnected with an old classmate from high school.

OK Cupid – Free. Easy to navigate and find like-minded people. Easy to know if profiles are active or not. I went on the most dates through this app.

Bumble –Free. Girls talk first! This cut down on unwanted messages. I met my husband on here! More work as it is like Tinder – one profile at a time at random, picture-focused profiles with a small blurb about yourself. A lot of fake profiles.

Dating: A Rite of Passage

I don’t consider myself a professional when it comes to dating. I don’t have cute tips to catch that guy’s eye or sweep that girl off her feet, but I recognize the value of dating. I also recognize that some people avoid dating because it is formidable and scary. There is fear of rejection, or worse: commitment! (gasp). It might be a source of disappointment, a continuous series of dead ends and a never-ending reminder that no decent person in the entire world will ever love me… Or something like that.

This post is for those who are skeptical about dating and are very particular about how dating should be, and it is to remind those who have become jaded by the whole experience that there is value in their “failures.” I hope it sheds light on dating: a true rite of passage into adulthood. Here are some reasons why you should consider dating as an important part of growing up:

1.      It Forces You to be Brave
Brave: when you do something even though it’s scary.
Smiling confidently on the outside (freaking out on the inside), starting that conversation, asking for that number--scary. It makes you vulnerable, exposed. However, those who initiate interest are brave. Those who welcome that interest are brave. If you’ve done these things, know that you are brave. If you haven’t done these things, it’s never too late to be brave! ;)

2.       It Forces You to Make Mistakes
There’s a reason dating is brave. It results in… oh no… it can’t be!... MISTAKES. This is for all of you perfectionists out there. All of you who prefer to only date Mr./Mrs. Right are afraid to date Mr./Mrs. Wrong. Am I right?? As many of you experienced daters know, someone who seems Right may be Wrong, and someone who seems Wrong may be Right. Of course, keep your realistic standards, but finding a good match is a process, and you will very likely make some mistakes along the way. Make mistakes: cry, cry some more, doubt the world, forgive yourself and Mr./Mrs. Wrong, then move on.

3.       It Teaches You NOT to Read into People
A lot of people who are not yet familiar with dating relationships are sensitive to the smallest gesture, smile, compliment…etc. to the point sincere kindness can be misconstrued as romantic interest. I like to call this stage the Pride and Prejudice stage. We all start as Darcys falling for the Elizabeths—shy treasures attracted to the confident gems. But as many know, Darcy was way off with Elizabeth in the beginning. But hey! He eventually figured it out and got the girl, and you can too! (Or not…no promises.)

4.       It Will Break You (when it doesn’t work)
Unless you are one of the lucky few who married their first loves and stayed together forever, it is very possible that once you get into a relationship, you will have to break up, get let down, get left for someone else, get divorced, or get thrown into a volcano… Or something like that. Dust off that magma, take some time to recuperate, throw darts at the world, and one day you will be strong enough again. Some (especially you concerned fathers for your daughters) think a broken heart is the worst thing in the world. It’s not fun, I hate it, yea maybe it IS the worst thing in the world, but it’s part of life. We might just have to accept that. Rejection stinks. That’s okay. Just accept it so you can move on.

5.     It Teaches You People Change Their Minds (and that’s okay)
Fear of commitment may just mean you’re afraid that if you say “yes,” it means you will never be allowed to say “no” after that, and that you expect others who show you interest to never change their minds. This is unrealistic and unfair to expect of someone, especially a person you are still getting to know. Maybe you were attracted to someone in the beginning, but after getting to know them, you may realize they aren’t the best match for you. Some people figure this out near the beginning of a relationship, and some might take years. The better you know yourself, what you want, what the other person can give, and what you can give to the other person’s needs, the easier it is to figure this out. Don’t take this loss of interest personally. If anything, take it as a compliment that you aren’t being led on or exploited for shallow reasons like a boost to the ego.

I hope these points shed light on the valuable side of dating. Of course, everything mentioned is for dating in general. Dating is a complex ritual of our Western culture, and there are subcultures of dating practices, and there are many more things that can be said about dating. On the whole; however, when done responsibly, dating should be fun and carefree, especially in the beginning. Keep your expectations low, but your hopes high. Don’t take it too seriously because the truth is, dating is unpredictable with many twists and turns, and it takes some time to learn. And you’ll learn. J

Mind & Heart (Part 2): When the Heart is Wrong

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In the previous post, I talked about how the mind should protect the heart from doubts. This is important during times that require us to believe in ourselves or when we need faith in situations that seem bleak. It is easy for the mind to embrace the doubts that cripple the heart, and this often leads to self-defeat before we ever had a chance to succeed.

That being said, there are times when the heart is wrong.

Many times our mind knows the truth whereas our heart may believe something entirely different. When the heart is right, it is up to the mind to change. Unfortunately, when the heart is wrong, changing can be a much bigger task than changing the mind.

I was talking to someone about how important our feelings are. Her response to feelings is usually that she does not trust them because she knows they are not reliable and sometimes irrational. Usually our irrational feelings are tied to insecurity—feelings of low self-worth like when someone forgets to say, “Happy birthday,” or feelings of self-hatred when you make a small mistake like drop your keys when you’re rushing out the door. These intense feelings do not match the reality of the situation, and our mind looks at the heart and says, “This situation does not warrant these feelings.”

What do we do when we have irrational feelings that do not line up with our common sense? Ignore them? Wallow? Shove them in a box? One thing is for certain, the feelings of our heart can be as easy to control as a two-year-old toddler throwing a tantrum over a candy bar at the mini-mart. Control is only a temporary fix anyway as we still have the problem of chronic, irrational feelings.

The first thing we can do is learn how to treat our heart with respect. Do not ignore these feelings that well up inside of us. I once told a friend, “I see feelings as a temperature gauge. They tell me when I need to examine my heart.” When my heart is peaceful, my sense of security is high. When my heart is anxious and hostile, my sense of security has been threatened. Usually when this happens, it is related to my self-worth: fear of failure, fear of not being good enough…etc. The important thing to remember is that the heart can believe the truth, but it can also believe lies.

When our heart believes a lie: This is when we start to have irrational feelings that lead to irrational actions. If I believe the lie that I’m not worth loving, then I will reject the love others give me. If I believe the lie that I am worthless, then I will not strive to amount to anything beyond a mediocre performance—or I will become an overachiever who will never be satisfied. Whether we want to admit it or not, we believe lies. Some of them we don’t even realize we believe because we have ignored the heart for so long.

How to find the lies: This is where the mind comes in. Imagine the heart as a jigsaw puzzle that has been dumped on the floor. It will take time and patience to sort out the pieces and think back on our experiences and history of behavior and patterns of emotions. When did I start having anger towards my father? When did I start resenting my wife? When did I first experience these type of emotions? You may have to travel far back in time to get to the root of when these irrational feelings started, back to simple moments as a child when understanding things was difficult and self-worth and confidence were small and vulnerable.

How to believe the truth: Once we find the root of our lies, our minds must present the truth to the heart. Ideally, the heart will relinquish the lie and latch onto the truth, repairing its belief system. There are different ways to do this. As a Christian, I often pray to God about clarity, but the truth can be presented many ways in life, in movies, in books and TV shows, through wise friends, kind strangers, anything that reminds us of what is true. The trick is not to ignore our hearts, but rather give it the attention it needs to learn and mature, and after a while that two-year-old toddler begins to grow up so that when the next crisis comes, we aren’t rolling on the floor flailing and crying and cursing the store clerks for taking away our candy bar.

Mind & Heart (Part 1): The Power Couple

Minds, protect your Hearts. 

Have you ever found yourself conflicted? Part of you wants something, while another part wants something else? That’s because we are complex beings with more than just one single force of thought. We have two complementary ways of making decisions and processing life: the mind and the heart.

The mind is rational, intelligent, observant and careful.

The heart is passionate, sensing, intuitive and daring.

These two forces often oppose each other when what they should be doing is protecting each other.

When the mind fights the heart: You know deep down, despite logic, something is true, but looking at the situation from a rational stance threatens any peace. Normally the mind will bully the heart to forsake this unwarranted belief despite these sincere convictions. What ends up happening is the heart gets sick as it is forced to go against its innate beliefs. 

The mind may not be willing to take the risk whether it be to protect its pride in case of failure (as our mind leans towards intelligence and failing is not typically considered an intelligent thing to do) or whether it be simply that the mind discounts the worth of the heart.

When the mind protects the heart: Oftentimes when the heart believes something, doubts come to the surface. These natural doubts that cross our paths are attractive to the mind because doubts are rational and appease our common sense. The problem with this: doubts may be rational, but they are not necessarily the whole picture, and for the most part, should never be the driving force for decisions in our lives. For example, a person may be struggling to get by and wants to go back to school. He or she may hear the doubts of his or her peers such as, “You don’t have the money or the time. You’ll never make it through.” These doubts may be logical, but are they ultimately true? Maybe, maybe not. 

The mind does not fear doubts because doubts appease us to play things safe, and playing it safe typically protects us from failure--something the mind prefers not to experience. On the other hand, doubts cause fear in our hearts because a heart works best in an environment of hope, and as we know, doubt is the opposite of hope.

So how can the mind protect the heart? This is where being rational is helpful. Unhindered by emotion, the mind can step in and throw down doubts with its own reason: “Maybe I don’t have money, and maybe I don’t have a lot of time, but I know I have options. I can get financial assistance, and I can manage my time better. Others have done this, and so can I.” Even more inspiring, our minds that are typically wired to protect us from failure can rationalize this fear as well: “Maybe I will fail, but that does not mean I can’t try again. Maybe I’m not good enough now, but that does not mean I can’t get better.” This is the relationship the mind ought to have with the heart as the mind wards of negativity while the heart has freedom to flourish with hope and optimism.

Of course, there are times when the heart may not be reliable as the leader in our life decisions, but that is another topic to be discussed in Part 2.

Growly: Part 1

Below is a children's story about grown-up heartaches. This IS a serious post. Growly is Part 1 of 3.

Photo Cred: Daniele Manta

Growly was a big lion. He was the biggest of his pride and all the other lions followed him, especially when they hunted. One day while Growly was on his hunt, he met a lamb drinking at a pond.

“Please don’t eat me!” The lamb said as Growly walked up to him.

Growly was so hungry, and the lamb was so weak and small. “Why?” said Growly. “You are food, and I am supposed to eat you. That’s how God made me.”

“Yes, but it’s wrong! We are your friends. God wants you to love your friends and not eat them.”

Growly shook his mane and grunted. “But I’m still hungry.”

“Let’s do a trade, then.” The lamb said, “Eat the fish in this pond. It will fill your hunger, and I will be your friend.”

Growly thought about the trade and agreed. “Okay. You can be my friend for three days, and I will eat the fish at this pond. If I like being your friend after three days, then I will let you go.”   

So Growly spent three days talking with the lamb. They talked about small things like how the sky turned milky red at sunset. They laughed at the critters in the trees that bumped into each other as they hopped around. Growly told the lamb about other things like the pain that was deeper than hunger. It kept Growly awake on cold nights and made him want to hunt more the next day.

“That’s because you don’t have love,” the lamb said. “When you don’t love, your heart doesn’t know what to do, so it does other things.”

After three days, Growly realized he was going to miss the lamb. “Please stay!” 

He said. “I can eat the fish. Just be my friend.”

The lamb said, “I will always be your friend, but I have a shepherd. He’s looking for me, and I need to go back home.”

Growly growled loud and angry. “You’re leaving because you aren’t my friend! 

Don’t hate me now!”

The lamb was not afraid. He said, “Growly, you wanted me to fill the hunger in your belly, but I have filled the hunger in your heart. I am your friend, and I will always love you.”

Growly stopped growling. He was sad, but he wasn’t angry anymore. “I love you, too, Lamb.” And he let the lamb go.

 

How to Find Your Life Mate: Because it Takes Awesome to Find Awesome

Stan: I know many good men and women who are at an age where they want to start a relationship, especially one that leads to marriage, but they don’t know how to meet people. What are some good ideas they can do to meet that special someone?

Good question, Stan.

If you’re the type of person who saves orphaned puppies, re-posts thought-provoking memes, or prepares elaborate meals of obscure ethnic origins, you are awesome. If you spend hours playing World of Warcraft with someone else's grandmother or volunteer at the local Walmart, you are awesome. If you like to sing, write, dance, watch TV, listen to music, play music, sleep….etc. you are awesome. However, being awesome is not enough to find that special someone. It takes awesome to find awesome.

Below is a list of places you can go to search for awesome people like yourself because let’s be honest, chances are not great that you’re going to find the love of your life at your niece’s birthday party or the McDonald’s drive-thru. Just because you frequently spend time at the gas station does not mean you are destined to meet your match while pumping fuel into your 2003 Toyota that probably needs a bath, a vacuuming and some air fresheners. Check this list out, take that first step, and talk to strangers!

THE PRE-TECHNOLOGY METHOD

For those of you who still refuse to join the masses on Facebook, loathe texting and always hang up your phone as soon as you hear someone’s voicemail, you will benefit most by taking the pre-technology method. Search for your matches at these three places…

1.     The Park

Necessary items: Paper and pen (for writing your number or e-mail)

A dog (for providing a topic of conversation with that cute guy/gal)

Wallet with cash (for giving money to the local inhabitants)

Suggested conversation starter: My dog likes your ankles. Do you mind if she sniffs them?

2.     The Library

Necessary items: A bookmark and pen (for writing your number or e-mail)

library card (for "accidentally" dropping on the ground)

                       A hamster in a cage (because who wouldn’t talk to you when you’re holding that?)

Suggested conversation starter: Do you like “Choose Your Own Adventure” books? You do? Okay, then do you “A” ask me to coffee, “B” ask me to dinner, or “C” do both and then take me to a movie?

3.     Club/Bar/Lounge

Necessary Items: Napkin and Pen (for writing your number or e-mail)

Driver’s License (for comparing awkward DMV photos)

A wingman (because four eyes are better than two)

Suggested conversation starter: Where’s the bathroom?

THE ONLINE METHOD

For those of you hooked on WiFi like a patient hooked up to an IV, the online method is perhaps the best way to go. Maybe you enjoy expressing yourself with a vocabulary impossible for spontaneous speech, or talking and making eye contact requires too much energy and breath. If you would rather read than listen, prefer emoticons to facial expressions, or simply type faster than you speak, try these three social dating sites.

4.     eHarmony: Sounds a bit like “eat our money.” Costs a little, but you get to talk to strangers!

5.     LinkedIN: It’s like eHarmony, but for career oriented people. Good for like-minded workaholics. Update that work history, like all those “causes,” and fill up on “skills,” then the website suggests new connections based on similarities! It’s a free digital matchmaker.

6.     Facebook: Great for stalking, but really it’s for people who are face-to-face and phone-phobic. Best strategy is to set up an event and invite all your potential matches. Take care to comb over personal information, interests and hobbies before making an invite list.

Suggested conversation starter: LOL. Who knows how to do Tweeter?

THE PLACES OF FAITH METHOD

For those of you who are set on marrying a person of the same faith and are convinced it’s IMPOSSIBLE to find a good match outside of spiritual gatherings, this method is for you.

7.     Young Adults Group: Also known as a mixer for single people who aren’t married yet but aren’t supposed to act interested in finding a life mate because that would look desperate, and you shouldn’t show too much interest while searching for someone to love for the rest of your life, otherwise it might distract you from your spiritual journey...right?

8.     Mission Trips: A lot of people find their life mate on mission trips because that’s pretty much the only time you have a chance to get to know someone in a church setting, but you can’t act like you like each other until after the trip otherwise it takes away spirituality points.

9.     The Leadership Team: It’s the cream of the crop, the most well-balanced, spiritually stable people you’ll ever meet, but also the most unattainable. Unless your first name is “Mary” and last name is “Me,” your chances of matching up with someone from the “Core Group” are pretty small, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

Suggested conversation starter: Look into my eyes for two minutes, and I’ll pray God gives me a “word” for you.

In conclusion, there are many places to look for that special someone. There’s really no excuse NOT to go out and find them. Just remember, finding an awesome person is just step one, talking to him/her is still required…another topic for another day.

Stan—If all else fails, pay a matchmaker to pair you up and hope for the best.

MYZICA Review: Something Cool for a Hot Summer

photo by Andrea Behrends

Stan: “What’s a good album I should get for the summer season?”

Good question, Stan. First of all, most people love summer, but I am not most people. There is sweltering heat, out-of-town traffic, children running free on the sidewalk, people wearing thin layers of clothing that do nothing to hide bad hygiene, and it's the end of hot coffee season as we know it. 

Therefore, I turn to MYZICA, the brand new pop duo based out of Nashville, to save my summer.

What do I do when I’m stuck in traffic on my way to work and all my friends are partying at the beach? I turn on “Ready or Not?”—the first single released in December 2014 from MYZICA’s upcoming EP available later this summer. My freezer burned Scrooge-heart starts to thaw and pick up pulse, and I’m compelled to shed my winter coat. 

If I’m standing in line the shape of a pretzel waiting for my daily dose of caffeine, I play “Wait Just a Minute.”

Isaaca Byrd’s energetic voice gives me an extra boost that no double shot will, and I don’t mind so much waiting just thirty minutes for that iced latte. Pay attention to the production quality by Micah Tawlks of Peptalk Studio. At first glance the composition is carefree and fun, but there’s more. From the plucking baseline to the upbeat drums, the song pulls you into a good mood, like a friend trying to get you to dance. 

“Believer,” a contemplative ballad and my favorite song on the EP, starts out with Byrd and gradually adds layers of back-up vocals, each with their own unique part to play. A choir joins her, adding depth and emotion.

“The song is about someone who lost faith in love but meets someone new and there's hope again.”—Micah Tawlks.

I may have lost faith in a season known for sunburns and missing sunglasses, but where there is good music, there is good times, and let MYZICA share in those good times.

Now for some reason, I have this desire to take a group of friends to the drive-in movie theater and watch the latest Keanu Reeves romantic comedy. 

Stan’s Review: A great EP for the summer. Looking forward to more music for more seasons.