My Phone Found My Husband

Lately, a lot of people have been asking about how I met my husband, Micah. If you want to read the cute, very romantic story of how we met, you can read our story, Love at First Swipe, on The Knot. This post isn’t about that cute story. It’s about the awful, fun, weird and terrible steps leading up to meeting the love of my life.

I’m not one for long, indulgent introductions, so I’ll get to the point. Online dating is a skill that needs to be developed, not an instinct, and I think it helps to realize this as you step into the frustrating world of online dating.

Lies You Might Believe About Online Dating

1. It’s not romantic.

True, staring at an army of digital faces and matching (among others) with another profile is not romantic. But the first date can be very romantic thanks to those that made the effort.

2. You can’t make a real connection through an app.

That’s actually true, which is why I waited to meet in person before I decided if I was interested.

3. Only weirdos and stalkers use dating apps.

First of all, a little personality never hurt anyone. But in all seriousness, you do have to be smart about sharing information and where you meet these strangers. Ask a friend to help you decide if your potential first date has got Ted Bundy vibes or not. There are plenty of decent, non-serial killer people out there.

4. Only one-night stands use dating apps.

Not true for all people. I talked to a lot of guys looking for their special lady they can marry and have babies with.

5. Everyone will think I’m desperate for using a dating app.

Embrace it. You are trying to meet someone. There are always going to be people thinking you are weird. You aren’t weird, they are weird. Just remember that. Weirdness is in the eye of the beholder.

Online Dating Tips:

1. Share your process of online dating with friends to make it more enjoyable and help you stay grounded (especially all you picky girls!)

2. Make the first move (girls). If a guy has caught your eye but he has not contacted you, contact him and see what happens. Maybe he’ll respond, maybe he won’t, but at least you won’t have to wonder about it.

3. Be open to a date, but don’t fantasize or expect too much—not that fantasizing or expecting is a bad thing, it just becomes exhausting because a lot of times you will be disappointed with the outcome if your expectations are high. Keep your hopes and standards high, but don’t expect to start the beginning of the rest of your life with a well-crafted profile.

4. Be okay to say goodbye. If someone stops showing interest in you, asking for clarification is not always a bad thing – “Hey, I noticed you haven’t gotten back to me in a while. Just wanted to check in, are you still interested in getting to know each other?” – It’s not insecure, it’s communication. You are okay to end something as well if you are the one who isn’t interested. (This is mostly for the newer, tentative dating phase)

5. Enjoy the Mr./Mrs. Wrongs. I think it’s important to enjoy getting to know people even when you realize it won’t go anywhere. It requires you to treat people decently and lifts some of the pressure off both of your shoulders to be that perfect match.

6. Be yourself. This is obvious, but too many times I’ve started dating someone that liked our chemistry, so he tried to be who I wanted in order to keep me.

7. Know your deal-breakers, share them as soon as possible, and stick by them. I got good at bringing up deal breakers before going on a first date because it becomes soul crushing to meet people, build a connection, and then find out you can’t go anywhere with it. If you don’t do this, it becomes harder to stay true to what you really want and wait for someone who wants that with you.

8. Someone is going to like you. A lot of people assume they aren’t desirable or attractive, but that is just not true. Someone will find you, they will see you as a catch, and they will like you. A friend of mine used to work at a jewelry store. After observing various couples come in for a ring, she concluded, “There is a person for everyone.”

9. Take breaks. Dating can take a toll on our self-esteem and our hopes for the future. I took a break from dating for forty days (my church was doing a fast for Lent), and it lifted a lot of negative, worrisome thoughts that tended to shoot through my mind after every “Mr. Wrong.” A couple weeks later, energized and motivated again, I met my future husband.

10. Go on a date with someone who is not outright attractive in their photos but appears to share a lot of interests. I honestly did not think Micah was attractive based on his photos (to be fair, he was and still is not a fan of taking photos of himself).

I’ll give you an example from my husband’s Bumble page:

           

Figure 1 Most of his pictures he was far away and wearing sunglasses.           Figure 2: This was probably supposed to be the serious pic, with the green tabs! :D

Pictures were not bad, really. They were more real in fact, and he did not try to look like a model on a GQ magazine cover. Many of us use online profiles to post our best angles, but not all guys (or gals) care so much about looking like America’s Next Top Model.

That being said, if I had seen this photo on his profile...

Figure 3 Here is his GQ pose on our wedding day.

…Oh ya, baby! Same guy, but as you can see, I got lucky that this guy didn’t know how to post photos that showed off his David Beckham vibes!

Online Dating Websites

eHarmony – Costs money. Safer and more controlled. Promotional discounts make it worth a try. However, a lot of inactive profiles. Make sure you cancel your profile payments or eHarmony will automatically continue taking payments.

Christian Mingle – Free. Decent amount of profiles on this app, but many inactive. Some people have told me they met their spouse on this app.

Tinder –Free. Picture-focused profiles. Could not stay on longer than a day (too many creepy guys). Despite this, I’ve had people tell me they met their special someone on this app.

Plenty of Fish –Free. Settings were a little hard to figure out. Personally, I did not get a lot of bites.

Match.com – Costs money. People actively communicating. I went on a few dates and even reconnected with an old classmate from high school.

OK Cupid – Free. Easy to navigate and find like-minded people. Easy to know if profiles are active or not. I went on the most dates through this app.

Bumble –Free. Girls talk first! This cut down on unwanted messages. I met my husband on here! More work as it is like Tinder – one profile at a time at random, picture-focused profiles with a small blurb about yourself. A lot of fake profiles.